"Who are you?"

The words course from my mouth with a certain flow like the best quality wine. Words so rich, appealing, and luxurious but bitter to the tongue.
In the darkness, the figure steps closer. With each step, my heart pounds more and the nervousness from depths of my very state of being. My limbs shook with the same intensity as the day my love was confessed. My breath irregular, mind in a jumble.
A tall, thin, broad shouldered man appeared before my eyes. His upper body tries to reach for me however his legs are knee deep in a black sludge. He isnt sinking but he cant get out. He is trying his hardest to reach as far as his long arms will go but the distance cant be bridged.
"Why are you stuck?" His face still a blur. The outline of his eyes become visible and his mouth opened.
"You...listen...leave...hate...you..." Catching the only words audible. His voice was muffled as if he were wrapped in an invisible blanket.
My chest constricted and the pain inside seemed to crush my ribs with intense pressure. Sinking and pressure seemed to push my body back and onto the sludge.
The words become clear and my body begins to struggle. As the fog upon the figure clears, the nostalgic sense rushes back to me.
Denis. A man I love, however after being rejected I gave up. I thought I gave up but the heart wants what it wants. Ah! I knew it! He hates me! Why!?! I know I am not pretty and cant compare but I struggle and reach for what I desire. So why!?!
I begin to struggle and lash out at the scenery. Throwing the sludge, I stain the white walls closing in on us. My anger seemed to dissipate as I looked at him. Looking at me, he smiles his usual warm smile and my anger completely disappears.
As my mind clears, his words are repeated and I look up.

"You must listen and leave or the hate will devour you."

Struggling sinks me further. Stilling as time yet still moving, I know I can not stop it. I will hate myself for liking Denis and I accept it. The understanding that my own self-consciousness will torture me until I break. I don't want to forget love so I hurt myself in order to engrave it on my heart and soul.

Turtle Toy

(This is a weird one. You may not understand.)

I walk down this familiar hall, the perfect path. Turning, the door to an office sits open, stopping itself against the weight of magazines. 

Peeking from behind the door is a stand, a toy stand, many types of toys clipped to the bars. Only a small amount of force and it would topple. 

A small green toy lays on the floor. Ugly yet beautiful like the world.

I stare for a moment, unsure of what to think of this particular toy. What am I to think of a toy dirty and imperfect.

However, as I reach for it, it falls through the crack on the floor. Its out of reach.

 Like a turtle, it crawled from my grasp. Laughter echoed from the turtle doll. It mocks me. It laughs at the pitiful image of my arm swinging, fingers outstretched for only a moment remained until a nail runs down my arm. 

Blood runs from the wound. Thick black liquid drips onto the turtle doll, burning it. 

I am a tainted being. Living on thoughts of boundaries.

Poem after waking up

I am drowning.

My body is sinking

I cant breathe.

My body wet from head to toe.

Am I going to die?

I hold my breathe for minutes.

The pain is unbearable.

Lungs on fire and about to burst.

My mouth flies open.

A familiar taste fills my mouth.

Blood.

My chest burns

Poison.

Its my blood.

Its killing me.

My will opens my eyes.

Butterfly's

White butterfly's swirl and taunt me.

Hah!

They win.

As they are a "Bloody Butterfly".

Running

Im running. What am I running from?
Im scared to look back. What am I scared of?
I feel as though, if I look back I wont be able to escape.
I feel wind hit me like a punch to the abdominal region. It bruises but I ignore it.
I feel thorns puncturing my feet from running bare foot. I ignore it as well.
My breathe visible in the winter wind as it bites my lungs.
I am climbing now, through a rose bush. The thorns hurt and my torso is scratched to shreds but I keep going. I have to escape. I need to get away from here. Mind black, no goal, no destination. I am just running but why? I have no reason but I am going. My instincts have took over. There is no pain but I know I should be feeling it. My body is ripping to ribbons and my lungs are giving out but I feel nothing. I am floating over what appears to be my body, running but it isnt me. Looking behind to my pursuer, I see nothing. Nobody is chasing me. Then, why am I running? My body is sucking my spirit form back in. Thoughts, feelings, pain rush back to me.
Im running from myself. I am hoping that I die. I am hoping that I am able to pass out. Not having to face myself.

Small

Running. My legs sore but my will strong and persistent. A force is pushing me. The landscape is tan and the ground is covered in slight divots and crevices.
I have to get away.
Slippery patches of ground was new. They looked like slides. I slowed, careful not to fall.
Where am I?
I look all around, up and down, even to the ground
Oh, god!
Fear shivers up my spine. The landscape was familiar. The bareness and tan coloring along the strip of land was all too familiar. The slides were spaced, crossed and lifted. They were scar. This is my arm.
What am I running from?
Behind me I see a long silver blade lowering to the skin. Gaining distance in between us. Fear, shame, guilt and sorrow washes over my very being.
NO! 

Bubble

Ah, people! Thank god! They are my 'friends'... but they are so far away?
Running to the spot where my friends stand, I am stopped. An invisible film of air which I can not get to open. I scratch at the wall, my nails chipping and desperation sinking in.
Have to get there!! I have to!! Why am I not allowed to be there!?! I belong there!
My nail begun to push back, blood pouring from my cuticles. I keep at the desperate actions of clawing through the film. I bang my fist to the wall.
Open! Please! I beg of you.
My desperate action begin to slow and eventually I stop altogether. I turn around and slide down the wall to my knees, hands cradling my head, tears escaping through my fingers. I lift my ugly face to my side of the wall. Blood covered the room almost completely. Scratch marks litter every surface uncovered, and toys of precious value lie torn in the pools of blood. My eyes wonder down to my hand that lay on my lap, twitching.
Ah, I am doing it again.
The laughter of my friends were torture. The weight of hate resided on my chest.
This is where I stay. I am so stupid. I stay in my bubble. Everyone else can go where they please. I am trapped by my heart, a place killers would admire.
I give in and let the melody of laughter continue my tears and stabbing in my mind. The insanity begins. I scream.
Kill me!!!

Quiet

Its peaceful. No noise. No distractions. Nothing but the calm quiet. What more could I want? How about a life? I couldn't help but remember that I had not accomplished anything in my life. Nothing. I was a nothing. My big sister is about graduate and volunteer at the fire station. My little sister is in JRTC and has plans of better thing. Then there is me. I have done nothing special. I am boring and have no redeeming qualities.
Now I remember why I hate the quiet.
There are no distractions so I have to confront my mind.
The quiet scenery tells me thing I have try to bury.

Violentines Day

My head hurts.
The plain color of my surroundings blinds and binds me to the ground, unable to stand or move. Why? Flailing my arms, they fall to the ground, in a puddle. Its sticky, wet, and familiar. My eyes cannot see but my mind is telling me...

"Get away!" 

It sounds desperate and pleading but not in my mind anymore, it's in front of me.
Heavy breathing. Shuffling shoes. Clinking metal. Whispered cries of a child.
My eyes finally adjust to the redness I was blinded with. Blood. Blood which came from violent and gruesome deaths. The pattern indicated anger with each stab. The boldness meant the desperate plea  to be quick. Each pattern unlike the next. All emotions one could have with killing. The blood pooled around mountains of bodies, familiar faces.
Farthest away from where I sat, a person was panting, a child cradled in its arms. The child was silently crying, never ending. The person looked at me with pleaing eyes and the child remained in her arms.
"We built your throne, this is the price we all pay for 'you' being someone else. All those people are you. Many times I have had to kill you, myself, and this child. We are all you." She answered with blood on the hands that clutched the child close to her bodice.
"Dont be so suprised, you are killing yourself. This child is your weakness, being scared, alone, wimpering. I am your anger, boiling and killing all that you want. Why did you come? We have always did what you want, you cannot kill me. Your scared of that fate. Alone with no one to stand by your side but there are still many emotion you have yet to kill, all hiding. From 'you'."
A girl looking exactly like me stumbled and crawled into the scene behind myself. She was wounded and crawling from the mountain. "Kill her. She is love." Anger said, taunting me.
Anger began to fill my heart. I hate love. Love is supposed to be dead already. I turned my back to Weakness and Anger, walking to Love, smirk plastered on my face. KILL! Grabbing her head and a knife in my hand, I laughed. Slitting her throat and blood spraying across my body.
My body went numb with excitement. It was a thrill. I couldn't feel anything but my anger and excitement. I glanced over and threw the limp body onto the mountain of dead Rachel's. I shivered. Anger spoke with joy and fear. "You have finally gotten your hands dirty. 'You' are a monster. Its your turn." And with that, Anger lunged at me, tearing away my skin, revealing blood red and sharp claws, grotesque fangs protruding from my mouth, eyes wide and catified; venomously staring at myself.

I am a monster.  

Door

Its soft, comfortable, and nice. I feel like I am floating but the weight of something is keeping me down. My eyes are closed and relaxed and see total darkness. Sleeping was what I was about to do but now I am awake. My arms struggle against the weight but the weight is soft and light. Its just that my arms are weak and tired. My body doesn't want to move so I keep it in mind and rest.
I awake once again and my body is compliant. I shake of the weight and swing my arm to the bed as a support. I use strength to pull myself up and off where I lay. My eyes barely open and light floods in. When you've been in the darkness so long, the light is too painful and bright to look ar. So we stay in the darkness. But I willed the painstruck eyes. A sea of spotless white with only a door, black in contrast, stands about 20 feet away.
Where am I? I looked to where I previously was. A bed, which blended in comparison to the door. A white bed. Pure white but with the comforter pulled back revealed the black sheet. Its just like me. Everyone sees the pureness, quiet and innocent on me but no one wants to see what I am on the inside. On the inside, where no one can see, lies a black monster. A monster that desires the pain, sadness and fear I feel and makes me feel the pleasure in pain. Fulfillment in fear. Satisfaction in sadness. I don't like those feelings but I want it.
Snapping out of my thoughts, I knew this was a dream, I approach the door. Dream or not, my curiosity is unsatisfied. The handle was a worn out black metal knob. What was behind it shocked me. It was the monster. No wonder I felt calm and nice, because the monster was tamed behind this door and I just opened it.
                                                "Curiousity killed the cat."

Mirror

Staring into a mirror, I see myself. Ugly. Fat. Disgusting. Stupid.
I want to look away but I cant. I am forcing myself to witness the horrible sight of my grotesque body. My little sister with her blond hair and peircing blue eyes look right through the me in the mirror.
"Isnt disgusting how fat you look?" She laughed and pointed at me. Thats right. I slump. Im fat. I accepted this fact and horrible truth that I desperately wanted to forget. But it haunts my ever thought. I dont want to be overweight! I want this nighrmare to end.
10 to 20 familiar people emerged from behind my little tormenter. They all said something that will always haunt me.
"This is no nightmare. This is your life. Fat. Ugly. Alone. No one will ever love a girl as disgusting and creepy as you." All their voices were nostalgic. Bullys. Doctors. Family. Friends. They all stood together in the mirror.
I looked behind me and there was my 2 saviors. Dahvie and Jayy walked up and each took my hands. Dahvie lightly squeezed my hand and Jayy just stood and gave all the people in the mirror a smirk. I began to cry for a few moments but they ceased. Dahvie hugged me and gave me a reassuring smile.  He and Jayy balled up their fist and smashed the mirror. All the weight on my shoulders became light and I cried. Jayy abd Dahvie both hugged me and stayed with me, not saying a word. Just hugging me and patting my back from time to time.
"Wake up and run. Run to what you love. Dont be a memory of yesterday! Be remembered for who you are everyday. Dont trust your reflection. Trust that you are the heart." Dahvie whispered to me before released.
"Fuck the mirror. It cant tell you how to live. Fuck the people. They dont know who you really are. And really, why the hell would normal be a trend? Fake is the new disgusting trend now. Dont be a part of a trend. Be you." Jayy released me from the hug but they both still were grasping my hands tightly. The song Blood On The Dance Floor makes is amazing. The people that make that band is even more amazing and I know that they will always be by me when I need them.

Ocean

Its quiet and the sound of crashing water is faint. Im near the ocean. The smell of salt lingered long in the air. A rattle at the window was normal, the wind was quite the kicker. But the whispering was not so normal, even I could see. Steadly walking over to the door, I peeked out. Yelling. I jumped back in shock and terror. Who is out there?
The yelling continues but I can make out words. "Where are you? Come out of the house! I wont bite!" A voice of a guy but no distinction. I got back up and crept right over to the wedged door. As I peeked out, I saw nothing. I walked slowly outside and along a cloudy diamond path. Every step vibrated. As I looked ahead, there was a small figure standing.
I ran, curiosity was taking over. Who are you? Why did you call out to me? Do I know you? I slowed as I came up close. He is tall, arms long behind his back. He turned to face me. I cant described the look of his face. Happy and joyful but only in black in white. The full moon falling behind him, the light illuminating a forest on an island far behind shined. He walked up close and bent down to me, mummering in my ear. Just like that, he was gone. Evaporated into nothing. Leaving me with only few words of love.
I love you, see you soon.

Painting

Stroke. Another stoke. The room through my achromatic vision. Darkness and Light coexisting in this room. Only the color of the scarlet paint was not colorless. A crimson image on the white wall. Stokes uneven and randomly moving. I, having no control. The strokes were short and bold. Watching, the strokes began to make an image. Fish. They began to slowly move and then swan through the surface of the canvas. The stench of copper and sickly sweet in the air. It hung in the air 'heavily' as I looked around. I glanced down to my wrists, which were coated in blood but red vines grew from the incisions. Unnatural. I pulled at the growing plant. It stung. The vines were life. My blood gave life to everything. Blood that is so abstract that pictures became real and life became a source from my body. The vines were wrapped around my legs and tripped me onto the loose paper floor. I continued to paint. No will, but painting, fascinated with the life that came to be. More fish from random strokes.
And then change. A bird, flapping its wings and soaring among the surface. Tears clouded my vision.
A will.
A want.
A way.
I have a reason to stay.

Leave

Sitting alone in a dark room. No windows, no light. One door, the only way out. In silence I sit alone at my desk. Scratching at myself, clawing my escape. Always alone in this room. No one disturbs me. No one hurts me. No one cares about me. My skin a sickening white. My lips pink and cracked. This and that strung about rhe room. My sactuary. But then a thunk on the door sent me bolting to the bed. No! "Whos there?" My voice cracked and barely audible for there was another thunk and the spiders scurried about. People walked in. I screamed. "GET OUT!! MY SPACE!! LEAVE!!" My screams echoed through the halls. I struggled and kicked to get out of there grasp. I ran, there hands crawling up my body. I ran out my room and into white. The hands liquified to blood and stain the pure space. This is your space now. No! I hate open places. It reminds me I am alone in my mind.

Found

I was in a doctors office then suddenly someone grabbed my arm and yanked the sleeve up. "No!" I pulled with all my strength but the image of the doctor became clear. That doctor was no doctor, I knew him. But I didnt know him. He was familiar to me but I couldnt remember him, like I have yet to  meet him.
"No one will love a scarred girl. Noone wants to love a girl who is so depressing but its ok. Im here to help you. Take these pills in a high dose and everything will be alright." His voice, like metal and hurt me with each word. Then it was black and I couldnt move. I was moving but I couldnt control it. I didnt want to.

Shot

I was helping a police officer to catch 2 men that kidnapped 2 women and the police know they are being beaten and abused somehow so we silently break into their home at night and I dont know how but the 2 women were unknown to me. Anyway, I snuck over to them and saw they were chained by the hands with dog leashes. I unchained one and she ran outside quietly and then I unchained the other girl and when I did, she panicked and knocked me down then ran out the door. I didnt blame her. She was hurt and scared. I realized I made alot of nice and before I made ot to the door, I saw one of the men with a gun so I ran and when I was at the doorframe I was shot on the side and the guy got closer and pointed the gun to my head. Before he could shoot, the police officer shot the guy in the head and blood was all over me. The pain in my side was excruciating and then I woke up.
I started to cry and felt pain in my side. It hurt. In real life.