Butterfly

The white butterfly is fluttering its wings. Its abdomen and legs covered and dripped a thick red substance into the endless white space I thought of as a room. A room draped with the stench of bleached air. A room so clean I felt my silhouette absorbing the light and my skin felt as hot as cocoa in the winter breeze. But a shiver runs down my spine and I feel the chill of winter and the bite of frost upon my legs. I am wearing a crimson dress covered in the red substance the butterfly had danced above my head dripping onto me. Where I stand is dripping with scarlet on one side of my bodice. 

My feet securely on the ground but not moving.

Legs uncooperative to my will. 

The butterfly taking flight around me and landing in the puddle that stains the floor. As I look down to have a better view, I am met with a sight that is all-too familiar. A bloodied wrist and a bleeding belly. A razor lays 10 feet away, almost mocking who I am and what I have become as result. 

I have become the butterfly shielded by my blood and accepting this way of life

Spin

I am spinning. Spinning in a spiral around something. Something. I don't know what it is. I feel like my senses are cloudy and I cant think about whats happening, I just let it happen. The spinning is decreasing and I cant really figure out why because I feel like I am not moving. I feel like I am weightless but out of control too. Am I moving? Am I alive? I don't think so. It feels like the spinning in my heart. That's it! Im revolving around my on heart. I am spinning around my feelings that are spiraling out of control.

Dark Dreams

I have been having alot of dark dreams lately.
Last night, I dreamt of darkness, thats it. Complete and utter pitch black.

Hate

Last night I dreamed of the hate, sadness, and regret I felt when I could never accomplish anything, hated everyone, and how alone I was in the world I made for myself. What's the fun in having a world where you're the only one? Yeah, no one ever messed with me but no one ever helped me. Then I started to accept some people, a boy named Ryan. Ryan was a boy in elementary school who sat with me and hugged me when I told him how I felt on the inside. I was scared, yeah, but I needed someone. But I was hurt by him after I fully accepted him and I confessed how I felt about him being the one I liked. I never accepted anyone inside anymore. Ok, on the outside I have a few friends but do I really consider them friends? No, they are hypocrites just like those bullies.
So, then I entered high school and fell for 2 people. It was ridiculous, after so long of being alone I fell, and when I fall, I fall really hard. Being hurt is normal for me so I try not to pay attention to it anymore, I regret not listening to it. I regret so much of what I have done. I regret so much. Those 2 people I fell for were so out of my reach and even I knew that. Its sad that I could actually smile while being rejected but I had to smile. If I started crying, I look weak, frail and vulnerable but then he would feel bad and thats the last thing I wanted. I hate that feeling. Its been a year since then but I want to make sure that even if I don't find happiness that they will. I really hope he will because he is too pure and kind. His name is Dennis. :)